Hot Cross Buns of Sin! (Chef Scotty B)

Time for some buns and tea
Time for some buns and tea

Despite being force fed religion during my formative years through “bible in schools”, which was little more than light hearted stories from the bible, singing some crap songs and being spoon fed lies as gospel (the usual). One day, at the tender age of 9 or 10, full of palaeontological ambition (I was a dinosaur nerd as a kid), I had the nerve to question certain teachings from our religious instructor.

“What about the dinosaurs though miss?”

“What about them?” my perplexed teacher puzzled, unaware that she was walking into a trap.

“The Bible says that man was created first, and then all the beasts and birds were created afterwards.”

“Yes.”

“So why are there dinosaur bones that are way older than any human bones?”

A moments pause was all it took. My victory was short lived however. Having been cornered by the questions of a 10 year old, our usually kind natured bible teacher became furious with me. Who was I to question God’s teaching? Who indeed…..? in that moment I learnt two very important things, always question the things others take for granted; and adults were not as smart as they pretended to be.

I did a bit of research on this entry trying to find out about the humble origins of this fruity little loaf, only to find a very non-christian origin to this most christian holiday. I lifted this straight from a christian extremist website:

Is Easter truly the day when Jesus arose from the dead? Where did all of the strange customs come from, which have nothing to do with the resurrection of our Saviour?
The purpose of this tract is to help answer those questions, and to help those who seek truth to draw their own conclusions.
The first thing we must understand is that professing Christians were not the only ones who celebrated a festival called “Easter.”
“Ishtar”, which is pronounced “Easter” was a day that commemorated the resurrection of one of their gods that they called “Tammuz”, who was believed to be the only begotten son of the moon-goddess and the sun-god.
In those ancient times, there was a man named Nimrod, who was the grandson of one of Noah’s sons named Ham.
Ham had a son named Cush who married a woman named Semiramis. Cush and Semiramis then had a son named him “Nimrod.” (seriously ‘Ham’ and ‘Nimrod’!!!)
After the death of his father, Nimrod married his own mother and became a powerful King.
The Bible tells of of this man, Nimrod, in Genesis 10:8-10 as follows: “And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord: wherefore it is said, even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord. And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad,and Calneh, in the land of Shinar.”
Nimrod became a god-man to the people and Semiramis, his wife and mother, became the powerful Queen of ancient Babylon.
Nimrod was eventually killed by an enemy, and his body was cut in pieces and sent to various parts of his kingdom.
Semiramis had all of the parts gathered, except for one part that could not be found.
That missing part was his reproductive organ. Semiramis claimed that Nimrod could not come back to life without it and told the people of Babylon that Nimrod had ascended to the sun and was now to be called “Baal”, the sun god.
Queen Semiramis also proclaimed that Baal would be present on earth in the form of a flame, whether candle or lamp, when used in worship.
Semiramis was creating a mystery religion, and with the help of Satan, she set herself up as a goddess.
Semiramis claimed that she was immaculately conceived.
She taught that the moon was a goddess that went through a 28 day cycle and ovulated when full.
She further claimed that she came down from the moon in a giant moon egg that fell into the Euphrates River.
This was to have happened at the time of the first full moon after the spring equinox.
Semiramis became known as “Ishtar” which is pronounced “Easter”, and her moon egg became known as “Ishtar’s” egg.”
Ishtar soon became pregnant and claimed that it was the rays of the sun-god Baal that caused her to conceive (divine incest?).
The son that she brought forth was named Tammuz.
Tammuz was noted to be especially fond of rabbits, and they became sacred in the ancient religion, because Tammuz was believed to be the son of the sun-god, Baal. Tammuz, like his supposed father, became a hunter.
The day came when Tammuz was killed by a wild pig.
Queen Ishtar told the people that Tammuz was now ascended to his father, Baal, and that the two of them would be with the worshippers in the sacred candle or lamp flame as Father, Son and Spirit.
Ishtar, who was now worshipped as the “Mother of God and Queen of Heaven”, continued to build her mystery religion.
She also proclaimed a forty day period of time of sorrow each year prior to the anniversary of the death of Tammuz.
During this time, no meat was to be eaten.
Worshippers were to meditate upon the sacred mysteries of Baal and Tammuz, and to make the sign of the “T” in front of their hearts as they worshipped.
They also ate sacred cakes with the marking of a “T” or cross on the top.
Every year, on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox, a celebration was made.
It was Ishtar’s Sunday (are you staring to get the picture?) and was celebrated with rabbits and eggs.
Ishtar also proclaimed that because Tammuz was killed by a pig, that a pig must be eaten on that Sunday.
Some have wondered why the word “Easter” is in the the King James Bible.
It is because Acts, chapter 12, tells us that it was the evil King Herod, who was planning to celebrate Easter, and not the Christians.
The true Passover and pagan Easter sometimes coincide, but in some years, they are a great distance apart.
We know that the Bible tells us in John 4:24, “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”
The truth is that the forty days of Lent, eggs, rabbits, hot cross buns and the Easter ham have everything to do with the ancient pagan religion of Mystery Babylon. These are all antichrist activities!

Here is were its gets all nasty and preachy so I’ll save you the pain of being prayed for and what-not. It’s a hell of a story, definitely not one we were told whilst chowing down on chocolate eggs and singing crap songs off giant cardboard cue cards. All this aside, hot cross buns are bloody tasty even if they are secret symbols of satanic deception. I’ve made ours even more delightfully sinful by adding an easy recipe for homemade cultured maple butter.

Hot Cross Buns pre-bake
Hot Cross Buns pre-bake

Hot Cross Buns

  • Servings: 24 buns
  • Time: 2-4 hr 30mins
  • Difficulty: med
  • Print

Ingredients
  • 300 ml Full cream milk
  • 30g dry active yeast
  • 510g flour
  • 70g brown sugar
  • 1 tsp salt
  • spice mix
  • 60g butter
  • 2 eggs
  • 250g fruit (I used 50/50 sultanas and dried blueberries)

Spice Mix

  • 2 green cardamom pods
  • 2 whole cloves
  • 5-6 pimento berries
  • 1 tsp ground ginger
  • ¾ tsp ground cinnamon
  • ½ tsp ground nutmeg
  • ½ tsp ground white pepper

For the Crosses

  • 2 tbsp self-raising flour
  • 1-2 tbsp cold water

For the glaze

  • 3 tbsp milk
  • 3 tbsp sugar
Method

Make the spice mix by grinding whole spices to a fine powder. Then mix with pre-ground spices.

To make dough: Warm the milk to blood temperature and then sprinkle yeast over surface. Mix slightly to wet all the yeast and leave for five minutes or so.

Meanwhile, measure flour, sugar, salt and spices into a bowl and mix until evenly combined with a whisk. Rub in the butter with your fingers until it resembles fine breadcrumbs.

Gently whisk the eggs into the milk and yeast mixture and then pour into flour. Add dried fruit and mix through. The dough will be quite sticky. Cover and allow to rise until doubled in size, anywhere between 30 min and 2 hours depending on the temperature of your kitchen.

Turn the dough out onto a floured surface and flour the top. Kneed a little, and divide into 24 pieces. Form each piece into a smooth ball and arrange in rows in a shallow, greased tin about 1 cm apart. Cover and allow to rise for another 30 min to 1 hour. Pre heat your oven to 200 C.

Making the Crosses

Make a soft batter from the self-raising flour and cold water. Cut crosses in the tops of the buns and pipe the batter into them.

Bake for 25 min, rotating the tin after 15 min. When cooked the buns will pull away from the sides of the tin.

Heat milk and sugar together to form a syrupy glaze and brush the tops around 5 min before they are done. Do this twice. The buns will be sticky and delicious!

Fresh baked and glazed buns
Fresh baked and glazed buns
Maple and creme fraiche
Maple and creme fraiche
Chef Scotty B whisking the creme fraiche
Chef Scotty B whisking the creme fraiche

Easy Cultured Maple Butter

  • Servings: 50g
  • Time: 30mins
  • Difficulty: easy
  • Print

Ingredients
  • 200g crème freiche
  • 70g maple syrup
  • 5g salt
Method

Combine all ingredients in a metal bowl and whisk furiously. It will take some time but eventually as if by some ancient pagan magic the mix will separate leaving you with the solid butter and the buttermilk. Place your butter into a piece of muslin (cheese cloth) and give it a good squeeze to get rid of any residual liquid. Shape your butter into a block and set in the refrigerator until required.

 

Maple butter
Maple butter
Squeezing the buttermilk
Squeezing the buttermilk
Maple butter
Maple butter
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